SCAM #6: ALBERTO V. MARTINEZ/CHAN NORMAN

This offer got straight to the point:

Private business deal. $47.1 million USD. Reply to my private address.

Alberto V. Martinez

A Spanish guy with a Chinese address. Sounds like big business to me!

Dear Senor Martinez,

I called you Senor because your name looks Spanish so I wanted to be polite. Or should I say polite-o? See, I speak Spanish! So I am very interested indeed with your business deal. I tried to open a business, it was chicken de-boning for people afraid to choke on bones. It didn't work out well, I guess people like choking on chicken bones.

So I am interested in your $47.1 million business deal. Please give me information as soon as you can so I can come up with another business not like de-boning chickens.

 These big business guys have partners. That's the only reason why the reply came under a different name. Right?

Dear Friend,

All information about the business proposal and LOC Form are attached along side with this email. Please kindly go through the attachment and respond to me accordingly.

Regards,

Chan Norman

It was tempting to open the attachments, but I didn't want my computer to come down with a particularly bad Asian virus. But I didn't want to be sound like an ugly American.

Say, what's going on here? First I hear from Senor Martinez, now you're calling yourself Chan Norman. I'm confused! Not that I don't want a $47.1 million deal. I looked up your name and you sound very important. A Chinese banker. Does that mean a half hour after you make a withdrawal, you want to do it again? HAHA! Just kidding, please don't take offense. I like to joke.

I couldn't open your attachments. Can you just write them in an email? My computer is is very old. Your picture on the internet looks honest, so I trust you to do the right thing. And if you have a good recipe for fried rice, please send that, too. 

Not having heard from him the next day as I usually do with these guys, I figured that was the end of it. But the day after -- success!

Dear Friend,

Thank you for your mail and interest in this transaction. If you refer to my previous emails, I had told you what you are required to send before we commence this transaction. Well if I may remind you again, you are required to send a copy of your Driver's License or your International Passport and sign the LOC form and send it back to me, the most important issue is that I want to be sure I am transacting with the correct person, my curiosity can be justified considering the money in question, besides, it is this copy of your Driver's License or International Passport that will be be used by the Attorney have all the necessary documentations perfected.

If you really intend to execute this transaction with me it would be necessary to have these sent to me immediately via email attachment or to my fax +85282657456. I earnestly await your response with the required details.

These fellows sure enjoy run-on sentences. The second sentence alone runs 87 words.

Syntax aside, I understand his need for proper ID -- but would he understand mine as well?

Ah ha! Now I get it. I thoroughly understand why you'd want my passport -- I could be anybody other than who I am! Your curiosity is justified by a mile, maybe two! I have no problem giving a copy of my passport to a total stranger, especially when 47.1 million buckaroos are involved. (That's how we talk here in Oklahoma USA!)

But who are you? How can I be sure I'm dealing with the same Chan Norman I've seen on Googleville? If I'm not being too out of line, would you send me a copy of your driver's license or passport, just to satisfy my curiosity? Like we say here in Oklahoma USA, it's only fair, cowboy! Not that you're a cowboy, it's just the phrase. (Although if you are a cowboy, that would definitely be a plus!) Once I see you are who you are (and who else would you be other than you, I hope?) I will be happy to send you a copy of my passport, complete with photo, ID number and eagle in the background. If I could include the little computer chip, I'd do that, too.

I look forward to perfected documentations.

PS: What happened to Senor Martinez?

Gentleman that he is, Mr. Norman came through.

Dear Partner,

Thank you for your reply. My passport is contained in the attachment. I shall look forward to have the LOC FORM and your identification for the immediate commencement of the legal operation of this transaction.

Regards,

Norman.

 

Nothing phony about that. I was grateful for his effort, however, and responded in kind:

Howdy Partner!

I'm proud that one as esteemed as you calls me partner, That's a big compliment here in Oklahoma, where the wind comes blowing down the plains. You know, I have to admit that at first I thought this was some kind of scam you were pulling on me. I mean, you're the Chief Executive of the Hong Kong Monetary Authority and a graduate from Hong Kong U. Me? I scrape dog feces from our sidewalks. That's no fun, especially in the winter when it it's cold and hard and freezes so I have to use a crowbar to get it off the street. And in the summer, it's soft as ice cream and stinks like anything. If I was part of a 47.1 million USD deal, I'd hire people to do it for me.

I attached my passport down here somewhere. So let's get to work, partner, so I can stop scraping dog feces off the street.

PS: What does USD mean?

Something must have given away my ruse -- was it my name (Happy Traveler)? Did he recognize the photo as long-gone actor Bert Wheeler? Whatever it was, Chan Norman has apparently washed his hands of me. I was really looking forward to that fried rice recipe, too.

                                               

 

SCAM #5: DAVID JAMES

(To understand what's going on here, please click  Introduction before proceeding.)

Think you have enough credit cards? What if I were to tell you that VISA was offering one already loaded with spending money? Now are you interested? Let David James explain:


詳細ヘッダー
ATM Visa Card Department
ATM CONDUCT CODE ( ATM 101 )

Following the receipt of your email to this office and your re confirmation information which you have submitted for the delivery of your ATM Visa Card, we are pleased to inform you that after due verification of your data from our payment database here, your information was confirmed and we have approved the delivery of your ATM Visa Card which contain the total sum of $2,500.000.00. (Two Million, Five hundred Thousand United State Dollars Dollars), Which you can make withdraw at any ATM Machine in your location Worldwide, with maximum daily limit amount of US$15,000.00 ''Fifteen Thousand United States Dollars''  daily.

Be informed that we have made delivery arrangement with the FedEx Courier Company to commence delivery of your ATM Visa Card immediately you meet up with the requirements to grant the release of your Card. As you already know, there is an Insurance clearance and a Security Keeping fee of US$320.00 which is mandatory to be paid before your Card can be granted for immediate delivery as the delivery charges has already been paid.

Further to this, you are hereby advise to submit your Security Keeping Fees and Insurance Clearance Fees of US$320.00 to help facilitate the release of your ATM Visa Card so we can proceed to the FedEx Courier Company for submitting of your Parcel for delivery to your doorstep within 48Hours of shipping.

You are advise to submit your fees through Money Gram OR Western Union Money Transfer Payable directly to our official Cashier Mr. Noel Eboh with the information as indicated below.

CASHIER/RECEIVER'S NAME: MR. NOEL EBOH
ADDRESS: PLOT 132, ROCKVILLE STR, VICTORIA ISLAND, LAGOS- NIGERIA.
TEXT QUESTION: COLOR?
TEXT ANSWER: PURPLE.
AMOUNT: US$320.00

As soon as your payment is made available for procedures, kindly submit to this office, a scan copy of your payment receipt or detail information of your payment, to help us confirm your payment and Grant the release of your ATM Visa Card. Once your ATM Visa Card is granted for delivery, we shall immediately proceed to the FedEx Courier Company and have them commence shipment of your ATM Visa Card to your designated address for pickup and withdrawal of your fund.

Immediately the shipment of your ATM Visa Card is commence, we shall not hesitate to forward the Tracking Numbers of your shipment to your for Tracking of your Parcel online to know it specific time for arrival at your door step.

You are advise to treat your payment as urgent today to enable immediate release and procedures on the shipment of your ATM Visa Card.

Please feel more free to contact me directly if there is any clearance needed regarding the delivery of your ATM Visa Card.

Call me on my direct line at: +234-7037133389 for further clearance.

We Anticipate your Kind Co-operations.

Your Safety is 100% Guaranteed.

Awaiting receipt of your payment.

Mr. David James.
ATM Visa Card Department

ATM 101

 I like the Chinese lettering at the top of the email -- looking all international gives it a touch of authenticity. It's really tempting to call these guys in the middle of the night Nigeria time, but I prefer email as my main form of communication:

Man oh man oh schevitz, am I glad you got in touch with me! Glenn Beck was talking about this the other day, how there have been screw-ups with credit cards. Like a billion dollars or something just waiting to be given to cardholders. Thank you for your honesty! It gives me faith in my fellow man!

You say I need to give you $32, and that's fine. How do I do that? Can I send you a check? If you live close enough to me (I live in Arizona -- go, Wildcats!) I can see you in person.

Please reply soon. Two and a half million can go a long way these days. Heck, I could own all of Jerome!

Too much? Perhaps. Another dead end.

SCAM #2: DR. SANUSI LAMIDO SANUSI

The scammer so nice, he named himself twice:

Dear Beneficiary,I Am Dr. Sanusi Lamido Sanusi, The Executive Governor Central Bank of Nigeria (CBN) . Please confirm this information As Urgent As Possible. Did you Send MR. Gary Stocking from USA to Come And claim your Contract funds Valued at US$10,000,000.00?.(TEN MILLION) Your Funds Which Has Benn Long Approved In Your Name By The Federal Goverment Of Nigeria, And Was Deposit Here In Central Bank Nigeria (CBN). Below is the Banking account details of Mr Gary Stocking Where he want us to transfer your funds to. International Bank of Qatar,Account Holder Name:Gary Stocking Account Number:0001220480001,He is Also trying to pay all the charges And Get your funds claim . Please your urgent confirmation is highly needed now before Your fund will be released to A Wrong Person Within The next 48 hours, Regards,Dr. Sanusi Lamido Sanusi, Direct Mobile Tel +234-80-23803501

 

  I admit to having been confused -- is his first name Sanusi or Mallam? I probably should have called him on his Direct Mobile cell. But I was too excited:

Holy mother of Guam! $10,000,000.00! Do you know how much that is? $10,000,000.00, that's what!  That kind of dough I could use like Kim Kardashian uses a crust remover.

I hope you don't mind but at first I was afraid that this was a scam, too, but I googled your name and there you were! Now I believe you. Your picture is trustworthy, too.  I read that somebody accused you of plagiarism but I don't believe them. You wear a bowtie and that's good enough for me.

Please stop that crook who is disabusing my good name. I hope you have the death penalty in Nigeria. HUGE fan of the electric chair  but in your country maybe you should throw him in a lion's den, naked and covered in gazelle blood. Do you have lions around your house, or elephants? But giraffes, forget it. Those long-necked bastards can bite me. AMIRITE?

I just moved to New York (the city that never sleeps, FWIW) and haven't  had the chance to get a new phone or open a bank account yet. BUT BUT BUT I have a passport (like I ever travel anywhere, LOL!!) I scanned it, it's here. I should have my account open by tomorrow, is that good for you?

God bless (and Goodluck, LOL!!) Nigeria.

I should have remembered the effect that photo has on people. I never heard from Mr. Sanusi again.

SCAM #1: DURO BOSCO

In retrospect, I should have asked him if he had any connection to Bosco chocolate syrup.

Hello,

I am attorney Dominic Church, writing to inform you that your name was selected in a random drawing conducted at our chambers today, which automatically qualified you as the sole legal beneficiary to the Duro Bosco’s philanthropic funds of 15M USD.

Your winning entitles you to 60% of the amount stated above, while 40% will have to be donated to any charity organization of your choosing. This project is 100% real and legitimate, and with your maximum cooperation, the funds would be remitted to you within the next 5days. You should respond to this email ASAP for further information about this project and how to proceed with claiming your winning.

Waiting to hear from you

Dominic Church (Esq).
On Behalf of:
Duro Bosco Philanthropy
+60-163949019

"100% real and legitimate" -- it works for me! Even if I get to keep only 60% of it. I answered immediately:

Dear Mr. Church (Esq.),

This is so exciting! 60% of 15 million is a lot of money! (I’m not sure how much – never good at math. LOL!!) How did I deserve this? It doesn’t matter. Maybe I do deserve it! I’m a good person. I work hard. I don’t know if the news wherever you’re from – it can’t be America, because nobody but Trump has 15 million dollars -- but our economy is very bad. My work is really cheap and is firing a lot of us to make even more money. (Don’t tell them I told you. LOL!!) So I would really like to have more money.

I have so many charities I’d like to help. My father died from lumbago. There must be a lumbago charity. People talk about cancer, nobody talks about lumbago. That would be a good start. Maybe you can help me find the lumbago charity.

Thank you and let me know what to do. I want to help people with lumbago (and myself! LOL!!)

PS: I’ve never seen (Esq.) in someone’s name. Is that German or French?

 

That did the trick. The next email was from the philanthropist himself. He was kind enough to attach three photos. The captions are his.

My dear friend,

My first email to you via my attorney was not very elaborate, so I will try to shed more light on this project. My name is Duro Bosco, a 52yr old Saudi Arabian national, currently based in Malaysia. I have worked for years in the Oil Sector as a freelance crude exporter and importer. I have made so much money all my life, but I haven't lived my life well. I have been so selfish and greedy; in all my affluence, I have never given back a dime to humanity. This might be the reason nature has decided to punish me.

I write you this email in total agony; I am under excruciating pains in my chest, I'm constantly vomiting blood, the level of my heartburn is at least 13times more than the normal person, swallowing even water is to me at this time, one of the hardest things ever to do. The doctors have inserted a stent to keep my esophagus dilated so it's easier for me to swallow. You see, I have been diagnosed with Esophageal Cancer which was not detected until it had spread out into various organs of my body. I have had chemotherapy and radiation and then surgery to remove the cancer, but it's spread so much, all the treatments have been to no avail. 

The doctors have finally informed me that I have only two weeks to live. Before this information from the doctors, I had already accepted my fate, and have made peace with my maker, now I am ready to face the inevitable. Before I pass, I will like to do right by humanity. I know money cannot buy my way into heaven or peaceful eternity, but I want to have peace with my conscience and go in peace and rest of mind when the day comes. Before my predicament, My personal company had deposited the sum of Fifteen Million USD (US$15,000,000.00) in a private bank here. It is my desire to give that money to good cause which supports cancer patients. All I am looking for now is a trustworthy person to assist me in bringing my last wishes to pass. This is why I am writing you to take control of my funds and disburse it as I desire. When you procure the funds, please keep 60%($9M) to yourself and make a good investment with it, as I have been in money so long to know that money comes and goes and goes really fast, a lot faster than it came. Then donate the balance 40%($6M) to a charity/cause that takes care of cancer patients.

This is the only thing that will give me a clear conscience in joining my ancestors, and everyday I breathe is another day that draws me days closer to the inevitable. I am ready to move on, but I want to know that this has happened when I go. This is my last wish on earth, please my dear friend, be the one to help a dying man live to see his last earthy wish come to pass. I am attaching three photos to this email. The first one is the doctors breaking the death news to me and delivering the reports, the second is me trying to spiritually educate my mind by reading articles online, and the third is just, well, a preamble of what my daily live is like. Please respond to this email with your direct phone number, just to reassure me that you will deligently perform this task, and that the $40% ($6M) will be given to the best cause you know. As soon as I receive your response, I will give you all the information you'll need to get this done. I'll give you my lawyer's contact details, and he'll provide you with all the necessary papers to get the funds and help me fulfill my last heart desire. Do this for me, and heaven will NEVER turn it's back on you.

Waiting anxiously beside this computer to hear back from you.

In faith

Duro Bosco

 

Doc breaks news

Using my last days wisely

What I go through

I never knew doctors posed for photos when they break "death news" to their patients. It certainly plucked my heartstrings -- so much so that I attached a photo in my reply:

OMG! That sounds terrible. Your illness I mean, not your money. But you're right! Money doesn't buy happiness!

But like my uncle used to say, “Every cloud has a silver lining.”  (he told me a lot of sayings!) Do you know what that means? For every bad thing that happens, good comes. I know that doesn’t make any sense, but look, you have cancer but you are rich!  Not me. You know what my father left me? His shoehorns. That’s right. His shoehorns. You live in Malaysia, so I don’t know if you know what shoehorns are. They’re metal things that you put in your shoe. When you’re not wearing them I mean. I don’t know why. I think it would be good to let them be empty, kind of like to rest. If I were resting, I wouldn’t want anybody to put a shoehorn in me. By the way, I don’t know why they’re called shoehorns, you don’t play music with them.
I would like to help you very much. And like I said to your lawyer I would like the money for me and a lumbago charity. But I live with my mother (I need to take care of her because she has a twisted manitoba near her labonza so she can't get around much). She doesn't like me to hand out our phone number to strangers or even friends. We haven't gotten a phone call in five years! But I think she would let me give you our number. She's visiting her sister in Dubuque right now . I know you have only two weeks but if you can just wait until my mother gets back, that would be a good thing for us. Maybe the day after tomorrow?
PS: Those pictures you sent made me very sad. If you could send happier pictures I would like that. I have attached a happy picture of me to make you feel better.

 

 My photo must have scared Mr. Bosco because I never heard from him again.

INTRODUCTION

As with anyone with an email address, I've been the target of the occasional money scam from Nigeria and China. Of course, I always deleted them. 

Until I decided to start stringing them along for my own amusement. The exchanges tended to be brief, most crooks not having the patience to fool around with a wiseacre. What they have in common are admonishments to steer clear of scams -- but their offer was for real.

Our conversations are below, along with commentary in red in between. I've highlighted my replies in blue in order to tell the messages apart.

(Note: all misspellings, punctuation errors and grammatical madness are part of the original emails.)

SCAM #3: TOUR SHABAN M ISSA

Those other offers were interesting, but what I was yearning for was something exciting, like, oh, someone with close ties to an internationally-known tyrant:

Dear Friend,
My Name is ..Tour Shaban m Issa I am one of the cabinet members of Col Gaddafi
in , Libya As you must be aware of the present invasion in my country.
we are all moving our money out of Libya
I want you to quickly help me receive and keep the sum of
15,8million . U S D in your country , I have agreed to
give you 25% of the said money for your assistance. It is very urgent
Please reply me urgently on my
private email: tourshanban@aol.com
I will be waiting .
Regards

Come on -- just 25% of blood money? I decided to play it cool:

I'm flattered you got in touch with me, but how could I help? 

  
Get comfortable -- Mr. Issa has quite a tale to tell:

I want to thank you most sincerely for your prompt response to my request email letter with which you have showed a true sense of partnership and understanding and if you can give me your maximum cooperation and support we can complete the transfer of the funds to your custody within 7days. 

 I am a former cabinet member of Gaddafi former ruling Arab Socialist Union Party where I rose to the post of the organizing secretary; I also served as diplomat and ambassador to the countries of Seychelles, Malawi, Central Africa Republic, Mauritius, Somalia, Lesotho and South Africa between 1986 -1999 before retirement. 

I decided to contact you because of the need of reliable, competent and trustworthy person that could assist and help receive my funds for safekeeping and proper and profitable investments in your country.

Before we proceed it is very important that i inform you about my present situations and my plans of how to successfully transfer the funds to your custody because I believe that your proper understanding of my present problems and the type of assistance required from your esteemed self will go a long way to determine your trust and commitment to the funds transfer proposal.

For your information please take note that the funds cannot be transferred through the banks in Libya because I am presently in hiding and running for my dear life and my bank account has been confiscated while any financial dealings or bank transaction on my side will alert a red flag as there is lots of control by the monetary regulatory authorities at the moment.

To bypass this problems/bottleneck I have perfected plans to secretly ship the funds in cash out of the Libyan territory to your location and as i write to you the funds has already been packed and compressed into trunk boxes in $100 bill denominations and deposited into storage custody at the custom bonded warehouse in Tripoli where it has been declared as diplomatic cargo.

The movement and shipment of the funds will be carried out with the assistance and connections of a trusted UN diplomat who will be using his diplomatic identity and immunity to ship the funds out of Libya as diplomatic cargo.

Be rest assured that the process is 100% secured and guaranteed and will be executed in a manner that will protect you from the breach of any local or international law what will just be required from your side is to cooperate and work together with the diplomat who will make the delivery of the cargo to your custody.

As mentioned in my initial letter I have agreed to give you 25% of the funds for your assistance and you could take out your share immediately the box is delivered to your custody and safe-guide the rest in the vaults pending my arrival in your country.

If you will go ahead to assist and work with me to receive this funds into safe custody for our mutual benefits do get back to me as per return mail so that we can further our discussions and negotiations on how we shall proceed to make the funds transfer a success.

Awaiting your urgent response. 

Best Regards

Trunk boxes filled with C-notes... a trusted diplomat -- this guy thinks of everything! But before I had a chance to reply, he followed up with another email with further details:

Thanks for your prompt reply and I am most glad for your acceptance to move ahead and assist me to receive the funds into safe custody which has given me more confidence and assurance about your capability to handle this operation and I believe you will not betray the trust I will be reposing on you.

Be rest assured that if you can act with all honesty and sincerity in handling this transaction to successful completion there are lot of other benefits and business opportunities which can be derived from our mutual cooperation, but what is most important at this point in time is to work together to make sure the funds are delivered successfully to your safe custody thereafter all other investments modalities will be discussed upon my arrival in your country.

As mentioned in my initial letter I have agreed to give you 25% of the funds for your assistance and you could take out your share immediately the box is delivered to your custody and safe-guide the rest in the vaults pending my arrival in your country.

Before we proceed further it is very important that i inform you that the diplomat who will be making delivery of the consignment cargo to your location does not know the actual true contents of the box, this information was hidden from him because of security reasons so that he does not get greedy and divert the box for his selfish purpose being fully aware of my present predicament.

The document covering the cargo indicates that it was declared as family valuables and documents so as to disguise and conceal the actual contents of the box.

My next plan will now be to contact the diplomat and inform him to begin plans for the immediate shipment of the consignment to your location as you are ready to receive it.

As at my last contact with the diplomat he was in UN headquarters in New York involved in operation logistic for transportation of humanitarian aids to Egypt, Libya and other war torn area in Africa and Middle East and I will try my possible best to reach him as soon as possible.

Please take note that if I do not get back to you or reply your mail as quickly as possible it is because of my present difficult situation as I have to disguise myself when going to public centers to access the internet because there is no internet connections in the locality were I am presently hiding.

Please forward to me as per return mail your address location and the nearest airport to your location so that I can pass across this information to the diplomat to enable him put in place necessary logistics for the shipment and delivery of the cargo.

Awaiting your reply.

Best Regards

Your friend and partner

 
Man, talk about intrigue! I felt like I was starring in a remake of "Casablanca." But there was one little thing I needed clarified:

Before we proceed further, I have to make sure of one thing, just to make sure you are telling the truth. You are a Sunni, aren't you?

Totally legitimate question in deals like this, right?  His reply was swift:

I am a shiites muslim.

Whew. That was a close one. Now we could proceed:

  

That's good. Because if you had been a Sunni, forget it. I couldn't work with you.

Having got religion out of the way, it was time for Mr. Issa to get down to business:

Please forward to me as per return mail your address location and the nearest airport to your location so that I can pass across this information to the diplomat to enable him put in place necessary logistics for the shipment and delivery of the cargo.i will soon be putting off my internet connection.I will be waiting for the details.

Hmm... what if I was the victim of a scam from the Great Satan?:

While I want to trust a brother Shiite, you have to be aware there are many untruthful people in the world. Do you swear that this offer is on the level?

 He must have been salivating by this point:

Yes this offer is true and on the level.

If only I was a more trusting person. As a good faith move, I decided to attach a photo -- but this time I was determined not to use the same one that scared away the others:

I have prayed, and received an answer. If I could look at you in the eyes, I would agree to your offer this second because I would be able to see the truth inside you. I have sent you a photograph of me -- it was taken during a family celebration and is, I admit, a little silly -- and in return I would like to see a picture of you with your eyes open. Even though you won't be in person, I will still be able to see the truth.

It is all I ask for. Then, I will give you the information you request.

 

 

I honestly thought the beard would make me look more authentic. But I guess even he knew that was a photo of John Lennon taken on the set of "Help!" As John once sang, "No reply."